The Diary 8-14-09

I find myself is the strangest place again. I have many things that will keep me busy, but I find it a struggle to start any activity. Tonight, I had two events that I wanted to go to. An art exhibit and my old singing teacher’s performance at the Drake hotel. When I got home at 3:30 p.m., I had to call the I.R.S. I was finally able to resolve my tax problem. At least for a year. I then had to rush out the house to pay my phone bill. When I got home, it was 5:00 p.m. I took a nap, when I was suppose to wash clothes. I didn’t wash clothes. Time kept rolling along. I bought a canvas to start a new painting. But that would require me to clean and make some space. I just didn’t feel like it. I struggled to make a call to a woman I met a few weeks back at the South Shore Jazz Festival. I had to tell myself before I made the call; Don’t say anything negative, stay positive and upbeat. Forget about your problems. Don’t mention anything heavy. You need to make new friends. You need to expand your circle. I had to fight the thought of that loud voice saying, “It’s not the time to start building a relationship.” But I can only think of how I want my life to be. And if I don’t try and create something, I’ll be singing the same old sad love song of being lonely when I’m fifty. I realize life is short. Too short to not have a meaningful relationship. I can’t die that way.

My financial life is a disaster again. My tax problem created a few more problems. One with the landlord. Now, I’m finding myself having to move. I’m trying not to feel any guilt as to all the money I owe him. This is more about survival than it is trying to do what is ethically correct. And my problems have really no immediate solution. Discussing it with anyone only will fall on deaf ears. Writing is my only release. I know that I’ll come out of this but not without hurting someone who has helped me through my financial struggles. I’m thinking more like a business person. Business fall behind in payments when cash flow decreases for them. They layoff. They have unpaid debts. And even go into bankrupcy. But it’s not personal. It’s just business. I have to develop more of a mindset like this so I can survive and come out on top rather than leaving with my tail between my legs.